unraveling

Jan 3

Written By Julie Sullivan

Daughter.

Mother.

Oldest daughter

the youngest mother.

I know how to give,

and give

and give.

I am searching for the child,

for the daughter,

for the mother,

in all of my friends, in all of my lovers…

and then I rage and I martyr when they treat me like their mother

…hey! I’m not your mother,

but oh god, you aren’t mine either.

I thought if I gave to you,

would you give to me…

but do I even know how to receive.

Holding the most was never the hardest,

the hardest was remembering that I don’t have to hold the most.

so I say,

Sure,

I can hold what’s yours.

Give it to me

but can I hold whats mine?

Mine.

what’s mine?

What’s yours?

What is mine to hold…

what is it to be held?

And so I hold it

and I hold it

and I swallow

down

and I purge and I purge and I purge,

and I see it there in the porcelain bowl staring back at me.

what will I find in the undigested mess.

Will I find me?

Will I find mine?

Can I dig through what I’m swallowing down for others and find

my scream

my dream

my heart

my soul

my Self.

I’m searching for daughter,

the pushed down

so so so so so deep daughter.

Because fuck this.

If I don’t go down and find her

find me

feel her

feel me

reclaim me

I will continue to search for her in every face, every space, every relationship,

keeping the merry go round going and spinning, samsara.

No, I’ll remember her.

Ill become nobody,

to become somebody,

to embody this body,

I wont project her longing onto my son, my daughter, my lover.

hold me

screaming

who is out there?

I feel Her.

Great Mother.

The one who has been there,

the one I was told was only a man in the sky,

that I had to be good for,

that I had to be chosen for.

She says, you don’t have to be good,

there is no being chosen;

there is only your choice.

You don’t have to try so hard,

what if you stopped trying.

feel my arms around you.

You demand perfection from yourself, from your mother, from everything around you,

but its deeper…

pause.

feel the earth,

see the way the seasons trust.

child,

you didn’t lose your childhood

you carry it through your entire being,

you are a child of the earth!

Return home to Her, return home to you.

I’ts you.

The one you’ve been waiting for.

I’ts always been you.

“but, who do you think you are?

do you know your soul?”

Then I see it

I see me

every single version,

every stage of life.

I found my way back,

I came home to me.

The unraveling doesn’t give a fuck about my status, my identity.

it could care less about who I think I am.

what I have.

what I don’t have.

but my god,

when I slow down

when I listen

I hear it in the silence everywhere…

“Have you liberated your Self from yourself.”

Julie Sullivan